How to make a “Daniel J. Burger”.

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Ingredients

This is a general list. Don’t take it as gospel. At the core of any burger is the meat and the egg (because it acts like an adhesive that holds the meat and goodies together). To make a Daniel J. burger you need those two things and a good onion. That’s it. 

  • Meat
  • Egg (The actual number you use varies depending on how much goodness you’re trying to stuff in your burger. I generally stick with two eggs. If it’s too wet {don’t puss out, you’ll know how wet is too wet} cut that shit with some bread crumbs).
  • Onion (Whatever the fuck you got works. Me, I stick with the sweeter variety).
  • Sauces (hot sauce, teriaki, ketchup, mustard, whatever). *OPTIONAL
  • Seasonings (Whatever you’re trying to get rid of will work as long as it compliments everything else.).
  • Goodies (Beans, veg, fruit, get freaky with it. It’s your damn burger.). *OPTIONAL
  1. It starts with the meat.
Take the meat, break it up in a bowl with a spatula or whatever you have handy.

Take the meat, break it up in a bowl with a spatula or whatever you have handy.

2. Season that shit.

Start with the dry stuff first. Don't just dump it on there and leave it, dummy. Mix it in with whatever the fuck you used to break up the meat.

Start with the dry stuff first. Don’t just dump it on there and leave it, dummy. Mix it in with whatever the fuck you used to break up the meat.

Do the same thing with the sauces. Yes, you have to mix that in too.

Do the same thing with the sauces. Yes, you have to mix that in too.

3. Put the meat to the side and cut up the onion. It’ll give the beef a chance to suck up all of      that goodness you just assaulted it with.

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Behold! The Might of the Onion! As it makes most things tasty!

 

 

After the onion is chopped to your liking, add it to the meat.

After the onion is chopped to your liking, add it to the meat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then, do the same thing with the sauces and spices. Mix that shit up real good homey!

Then, do the same thing you did with the sauces and spices. Mix that shit up real good homey!

4. Now for the eggs.

They don't have to be brown. I'm not an egg snob like that. They can be whatever you want. I just happened to have brown on hand because The Wife wanted them. I will say this though, in terms of fried eggs and omelets and such, the brown egg is unparalleled. Too bad it costs too damn much.

They don’t have to be brown. I’m not an egg snob like that. They can be whatever you want. I just happened to have brown on hand because The Wife wanted them. I will say this though, in terms of fried eggs and omelets and such, the brown egg is unparalleled. Too bad it costs too damn much.

Crack the eggs and start mixing that shit with your hands. This is what it looks like when you have done it right.

Crack the eggs and start mixing that shit with your hands. This is what it looks like when you have done it right.

5. Start making patties, beotch.

I don't know what the proper ounce rate is for a burger. I generally try and make them a bit on the smaller side so there's left overs and because my peeps don't eat with wooden legs in mind.

I don’t know what the proper ounce rate is for a burger. I generally try and make them a bit on the smaller side so there’s left overs and because my peeps don’t eat with wooden legs in mind.

Put that shit on a plate, you patty making fool!

Put that shit on a plate, you patty making fool!

When you've gone through all of the meat, wrap that shit with plastic wrap.

When you’ve gone through all of the meat, wrap that shit with plastic wrap.

Then put them in the fridge. Most people would dispute this, but I swear by it. By letting the meat chill, your letting it recoup thereby ensuring that the patty keeps it's shape. I've made burgers without this step and they've always fallen the fuck to pieces on me. Generally, I let them chill for an hour. You don't want to let them sit for too long. If you do that, you'll start losing juices. *Beavis laugh* Juices.

Then put them in the fridge. Most people would dispute this, but I swear by it. By letting the meat chill, you’re letting it recoup thereby ensuring that the patty keeps it’s shape. I’ve made burgers without this step and they’ve always fallen the fuck to pieces on me. Generally, I let them chill for an hour. You don’t want to let them sit for too long. If you do that, you’ll start losing juices. *Beavis laugh* Juices.

6. Get cookin’ sucka!

There's plenty of ways to cook a burger: grill, pan fry, baking, whatever. I used the panini because it cuts down on the cooking time. It's a bitch to clean but it's worth it. You just have to make sure the fucker is hot enough.

There’s plenty of ways to cook a burger: grill, pan fry, baking, whatever. I used the panini because it cuts down on the cooking time. It’s a bitch to clean but it’s worth it. You just have to make sure the fucker is hot enough.

Yes, the panini cooks on both sides. Mine is cheap so I still have to flip whatever I'm cooking on it to get the same look on both sides. This was after one flip.

Yes, the panini cooks on both sides. Mine is cheap so I still have to flip whatever I’m cooking on it to get the same look on both sides. This was after one flip.

7. Don’t forget to eat the son of a bitch.

See? Burgers are easy. Cooking is easy too (just so long as you don't freak out and act like a little bitch).

See? Burgers are easy. Cooking is easy too (just so long as you don’t freak out and act like a little bitch).

In the end, regardless of who you are and in spite of what you have going on in your life, cooking is an essential skill. 

Got a burger recipe? Wanna let me have it for the amount of “fucks” I put in my entries? Sally forth in the comments at the top of this post! 

Behold! The Sandwich!!

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Hat tip to Jug O’Wine for the photo bomb.

As the man of the house, and as the person in charge of what goes on in the house, including what the meals are composed of, it’s perfectly ok to make sandwiches for dinner. As long as they are totally kick ass sandwiches. Take a look at the picture above. I pulled all of that shit out of my food stores on a whim (because I didn’t have a dinner plan) and I turned that into dinner. 

Why?

BECAUSE. That’s why.

What you make your sandwich out of is up to you. The only real requirement is that there is some tasty shit in between the two slices of bread that make the sandwich, a sandwich.

Follow me as I walk you through how I turned all of that goodness above, into a tasty dish.

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  1. Get a pan. Put the pan over the source of flame that you normally use. Since we have a lot of stuff that is going into the pan, a bic lighter WILL NOT DO. Give the pan a minute to get warm. (TRADE SECRET: I have found that touching the inside of the pan while it is ‘warming up’ is a bad idea. Touch the handle instead. If the handle is warm, you are good to go.
  2. When the pan is warm enough throw in your food lubricant of choice. For the sandwiches I made, I used butter. Yes,  butter. This isn’t a “health food” blog, you stupid freshman.
  3. As the butter melts, start chopping up the veg, if you have any. I should hope you have some. If you’re my age, and you aren’t eating your vegetables, your colon will fill up with rubble and cobwebs.
  4. When the butter, is fully melted, move on to the next step. (TRADE SECRET: if you are using cooking oil, the cooking oil is ready to receive whatever it is that you are going to sautee when is looks super shiny and shimmer-y. For reals).
  5. Throw shit in the pan. If you are making anything with onions, make sure that you coat them in the food lubricant of choice.

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The trick with sautéing onions is to find the sweet spot. You don’t want to leave them in the pan and forget about them (because you’ll burn the shit out of them) and you don’t want to be premature. Generally, the onion’s onion-y goodness is at it’s maximum when they’re wiggly and kind of transparent.

  1. While you’re waiting for the sweet spot of the onions to ‘come to dinner’, work on the other veg you want to sauté. In this case I used sun dried tomatoes because my wife loves that shit. For real: I think she loves sun dried tomatoes more than she loves her own family.
  2. At any rate, if you use said tomatoes, you need to cut that shit up as fine as you can get it: they’re chewy as fuck. Because, you know, fuck is pretty chewy. 
  3. After you get the other veg ready, it’s time to move on to seasoning. Why seasoning? Because you have a cabinet full of spices and seasonings. LET IT RIP SON (OR DAUGHTER)!
  1. IMG_3199I generally like to start with any dry ingredients first. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, that’s just how I roll. If you’re pussyfooting about spice combos or using too much of anything, McCormick has come out with their “perfect pinch” spice series. Pick some of that shit up if you aren’t feeling creative.
  2. Toss your dry stuff in there. No, No I don’t “measure”. Know why? Because I got cooking chops like you got worry.

I have generally found that when adding spice to anything, if you lightly cover the thing that you are adding spice to, mix it up, and then taste, you’re golden because only you know what you like to taste.

VINEGAR = TANG

VINEGAR = TANG

  1. When you add your dry awesomeness, give it a minute to work it’s magic on whatever it is that you have got going on in the pan. There’s no real time limit, just do something else and then come back to it.
  2. For this recipe, I broke out the Balsamic Vinegar. Why? Why the hell not! That’s why. With this shit, you have to be careful: less is definitely more. Just a splash or two and then move on.
  3. Get everything all mixed up and cooking. You’re kitchen should be smelling pretty tits by now.
  4. Go get the other veg and throw that shit in there. Stir it up real good and then move on to the next part: SANDWICH ASSEMBLY.
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This is what everything looks like all mixed up.

A quick word about sun dried tomatoes: if you don’t like the chewiness, give ’em a little soak to soften them up. In this case, I wanted to extra wetness of the butter and vinegar to do just that. Never eat a chewy sandwich.

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  1. Generally speaking, the assembly of the sandwich components is what makes the sandwich. For the sake of this “recipe” I wanted a good base to put the pan ingredients on. So: bread, cheese meat.

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Now, the pan goods. TASTINESS ABOUNDS!

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  1. Put on another slice of cheese for consistency and then the other slice of bread. You are not done yet. 
  2. When you are making a tasty fucking sandwich, the bread needs to be toasted. Doubly so, if you have goodies in the middle. If you don’t toast the bread, your shit is going to end up in your lap instead of your face-hole. 

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  1. Depending on what you have at your disposal, your bread is going to need some food lubricant of some sort. You could move forward without it, but your bread is gonna be really fucking dry.
  2. For the sake of this post I broke out the $20 panini my mother-in-law got us a billion years ago, because toast lines on a sandwich is like a delicious fucking bread tattoo. 
  3. That thing in my hand that I am using to coat the bread with food lubricant was a Target purchase if I am not mistaken. Get one for your household. Hell of a lot cheaper than buying food spray.

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  1. After the bread is good and coated cook that shit. If you’re using a panini, the sandwich is done when the cheese is gooey. 

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BAM! Dinner is served. Pickles are mandatory. If there ain’t any pickles, it’s not a fucking sandwich. 

Got a sandwich story you want to share? How ’bout some suggestions? Let’s hear it in the comments at the top of this post!