It’s bound to happen eventually: your kid(s) is going to do something stupid and you, as the responsible adult, are going to have to deal with it.
We, as a society, are past the days of beatings. That’s right: the only tool left at your disposal is ‘the grounding’.
One day, I had had enough of my eldest child’s shit. (She’s 11, a cheerleader, and self-identifies as a pre-teen. I can’t help but pucker at the thought of that previous sentence).
What follows is the result of said shit.
In the following days, I will post what the results from this particular grounding as well as what I have concluded from grounding my child.
Grounding of [REDACTED]: July 28, 2014
[REDACTED], on this day, you have been grounded, not for a specific reason, but for scores of reasons, including but not limited to: arguing over petty things, talking back, bullying, being bossy, being selfish, showboating, not listening, being rude, fishing for compliments, not acting your age, being ungrateful, etc.
In the days of the dinosaur, children were grounded for one specific reason. Example: a child did something wrong and was punished for it (generally speaking, things were taken away, privileges revoked… Basically, the parent decided the punishment that fit the crime). As your grounding is a little more complex in nature, you will be un-grounded when you have eliminated all traces of the items mentioned in the previous paragraph. If it takes forever, then that is on you.
On a daily basis, you will be expected to:
- Write in a journal. Daily. YOU WILL NOT: draw in this journal, color in this journal, or do something stupid with it. In the beginning, you will address each point in paragraph one as your journal entries (ex. One daily journal entry will address being rude. You will write down everything that comes to your mind about that; why you are rude, why people are rude, what the end result of someone being rude is, so on and so forth). After you have addressed all points, you will still be expected to free write in your journal. Daily. Failure to follow this guideline will result in a deepening of the trouble that you are all ready in.
- Meditate. Daily. For no less than 15 mintues a day. You will sit comfortably in your room, with your eyes closed, door open and you will breathe deeply. You will listen to the sound of your breath and you will focus on your breathing. If your mind wanders, that’s ok: just bring your focus back to your breathing. Failure to follow this guideline will result in a deepening of the trouble that you are all ready in.
- Keep your room, and your person clean and organized. You will no longer spend hours upon hours cleaning your room because “you didn’t feel like” putting things away nor will you skip on personal hygiene because you “were in a rush”. Failure to follow this guideline will result in a deepening of the trouble that you are all ready in.
- Practice the things that you need to practice for cheer tech. This includes, but is not limited to: warming up properly, and working on your cheer tech moves. Upon completion of said warm up and cheer tech moves, you will then complete two rounds of “7 minutes fitter” and one round of “Simply Yoga” (all ready downloaded!). A word about “Simply Yoga”, for the first week, it will be allowed that you only complete the 20 minutes segment. After the first week, you will be expected to vary your yoga routine (ex. A day of 40 minutes, a day of 20, a day of 60 minutes, etc). If you cannot perform a specific pose modify it in a way that will allow you to until you can complete said pose. Failure to follow this guideline will result in a deepening of the trouble that you are all ready in.
YOU WILL NOT ALLOW THE COMPLETION OF THESE FOUR TASKS TO INTERFERE WITH THE DAILY OPERATION OF THE HOUSEHOLD. THIS CAN BE DEFINED AS A PARENT ASKING YOU TO DO SOMETHING AROUND THE HOUSE AND YOU SAYING THAT YOU HAVEN’T COMPLETED ANY OF THE PREVIOUS FOUR POINTS AS A MEANS TO GET OUT OF WHATEVER THE PARENT ASKED YOU TO DO. Failure to follow this guideline will result in a deepening of the trouble that you are all ready in.
Upon daily completion of the previous four points, you will be allowed to:
- Create art.
- Read for pleasure.
- Use your tablet for informative measures
- Fraternize with [REDACTED] and [REDACTED].
- Listen to music that you wouldn’t normally listen to. 
- Sit outside.
- Watch documentaries (not reality television. Ex: River Monsters) on Netflix. YOU WILL NOT DOCUMENTARY HOP (ex: start one documentary and then get bored with it, moving on to another one, etc).
- Read before bedtime.
- (Twice a week) Skype with the [REDACTED] for 30 minutes. YOUR GROUNDING IS ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. The limit of twice a week is set in hopes that you will actually converse with the members of said family and not resort to “WAH. PANCAKES”.
- Play your DS.
YOU DO HAVE TO ASK TO DO THESE THINGS.
While you may feel that you have the weight of the world on your shoulders now, rest assured, there are plenty of children in the world who have it a whole lot worse than you ever did, or ever will, for that matter.
The time has been taken to put this grounding in writing to eliminate any doubt of what can and cannot be done as well as to fully address the problem(s) at hand.
This grounding will not be reversed overnight. Nor will it be reversed in a week. The daily completion of points 1 through 4 (in SECTION 2) will aid you in your journey. As stated in SECTION1, it’s on you now. You have to do the work.
 Defined as: “HEY LOOK AT ME! AREN’T I GREAT ISN’T THIS THING THAT I CAN DO WONDERFUL??!??”
 Defined as: “I did (this thing): WASN’T THAT NICE OF ME?”
 Defined as: “WAH! PANCAKES!”
 Defined as: damaging the journal in any way, or writing in larger than normal handwriting in an attempt to go finish the journal quickly.
 Defined as: not trying to grow a beard in your armpits, nor having “Michael Jackson” legs.
 Defined as: looking stuff up for the expansion of your mind, listening to podcasts (provided that they are appropriate in nature), etc.
 Defined as: everything that you wouldn’t hear on 96.5