You don’t know shit about Xmas. 

Most of the people that I know have incredibly traditional backgrounds when it comes to the holiday of “giving”. When the holiday draws near, there’s a family meal, gift giving, and the possibility of having to go over to the home of an elderly, extended family member.

If there is a religious thread in your family, you may have to sacrifice an hour of your life by going to mass. (Which is no big deal: It’ll make your mother happy and you can alternately practice yawning with your mouth closed while trying to figure out if the priest has ever touched a penis that he wasn’t attached to before).

To date, the only person that I have ever met that hasn’t had a traditional Christmas holiday has been my wife. She was brought up Jehovah’s Witness. For the uninformed, this sect of Christianity doesn’t do holidays, birthdays, or essentially anything fun. Thankfully, none of that nonsense left a stain on her.

About a week ago, I had two thoughts. The first was ‘Fuck! Xmas is next week and I need to take the kids out of the house one by one to buy presents for other people.’ The second thought was ‘How’d all of this Xmas nonsense get started anyways?’

I don’t know shit about Xmas. I don’t know what you’re smirking at, you don’t know a fucking thing either. 

For your own edification (as well as my own), I have taken it upon myself to look into this matter.

Perhaps bring it up to your children should they put their toes on the cusp of being assholes because they can’t wait another day to get their gifts. Maybe informed your loved one should they be of curious mind. Or, be a selfish shit and keep the knowledge for yourself. It’s your call, homey. 

  • Before Christianity became the hypocritical juggernaut that still holds sway over our society at large, there was a point in this group’s early history where Christmas wasn’t celebrated at all. In fact, no one could agree on what day the ‘Christ Child’ was born until the 3rd century. By the 4th century, Pope Julius I decided that December 25th was the day for celebration. While it wasn’t expressly stated, it was eventually deduced that this decision was arrived at because it coincided with the Pagan holiday of Saturnalia​ (a Roman holiday celebrating agriculture) and the church wanted to absorb the Pagan holidays all together.
  • What’s the most surprising is the fact that Christmas was celebrated back then like Halloween was celebrated now. People didn’t dress up, but there was no shortage of drunken shenanigans. Typically the poor would go to the homes of the rich and demand food and drink. If they were turned away, the poor were socially entitled to terrorize the household they were turned away from until they got their way.
  • When the Puritans first landed, they weren’t having the drunken shenanigan-ery that Christmas was none for. So they outlawed it all together. That’s right: if you were caught celebrating the holiday you were fined and eventually thrown in the pokey.
  • Christmas wasn’t declared a federal holiday until June 26, 1870.
  • What changed the holiday all together and how the public perceived the holiday were the books ‘A Christmas Carol’ and ‘The Sketchbook of Geoffrey Crayon’ (by Washington Irvine). You don’t need to read either of them. Just know that these two books gave us the boring holiday that we have today. Personally, I’m all for reforming this sumbitch and bringing back the days when people would get piss drunk and fuck with the rich people. I digress.
  • The giving of gifts on the holiday were meant to symbolize the gifts that the Wise Men gave baby Jesus. Suffice it to say that the Industrial Revolution and the advertising industry fucked that up for everyone.
  • Decorating trees at Christmas time is actually a German Tradition that we have to thank Prince Albert for. Apparently when he wed England’s Queen Victoria, he brought the tradition with him to the UK. During the holiday season a picture of the Royal Family was taken and published in an International magazine and now we can’t not have the holiday without having a damn tree.

And there you have it. Now you know a little bit more about the holiday that you were probably lied to about when you were a child.

Merry Xmas you filthy perverts.

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