Behold! The Sandwich!!

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Hat tip to Jug O’Wine for the photo bomb.

As the man of the house, and as the person in charge of what goes on in the house, including what the meals are composed of, it’s perfectly ok to make sandwiches for dinner. As long as they are totally kick ass sandwiches. Take a look at the picture above. I pulled all of that shit out of my food stores on a whim (because I didn’t have a dinner plan) and I turned that into dinner. 

Why?

BECAUSE. That’s why.

What you make your sandwich out of is up to you. The only real requirement is that there is some tasty shit in between the two slices of bread that make the sandwich, a sandwich.

Follow me as I walk you through how I turned all of that goodness above, into a tasty dish.

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  1. Get a pan. Put the pan over the source of flame that you normally use. Since we have a lot of stuff that is going into the pan, a bic lighter WILL NOT DO. Give the pan a minute to get warm. (TRADE SECRET: I have found that touching the inside of the pan while it is ‘warming up’ is a bad idea. Touch the handle instead. If the handle is warm, you are good to go.
  2. When the pan is warm enough throw in your food lubricant of choice. For the sandwiches I made, I used butter. Yes,  butter. This isn’t a “health food” blog, you stupid freshman.
  3. As the butter melts, start chopping up the veg, if you have any. I should hope you have some. If you’re my age, and you aren’t eating your vegetables, your colon will fill up with rubble and cobwebs.
  4. When the butter, is fully melted, move on to the next step. (TRADE SECRET: if you are using cooking oil, the cooking oil is ready to receive whatever it is that you are going to sautee when is looks super shiny and shimmer-y. For reals).
  5. Throw shit in the pan. If you are making anything with onions, make sure that you coat them in the food lubricant of choice.

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The trick with sautéing onions is to find the sweet spot. You don’t want to leave them in the pan and forget about them (because you’ll burn the shit out of them) and you don’t want to be premature. Generally, the onion’s onion-y goodness is at it’s maximum when they’re wiggly and kind of transparent.

  1. While you’re waiting for the sweet spot of the onions to ‘come to dinner’, work on the other veg you want to sauté. In this case I used sun dried tomatoes because my wife loves that shit. For real: I think she loves sun dried tomatoes more than she loves her own family.
  2. At any rate, if you use said tomatoes, you need to cut that shit up as fine as you can get it: they’re chewy as fuck. Because, you know, fuck is pretty chewy. 
  3. After you get the other veg ready, it’s time to move on to seasoning. Why seasoning? Because you have a cabinet full of spices and seasonings. LET IT RIP SON (OR DAUGHTER)!
  1. IMG_3199I generally like to start with any dry ingredients first. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, that’s just how I roll. If you’re pussyfooting about spice combos or using too much of anything, McCormick has come out with their “perfect pinch” spice series. Pick some of that shit up if you aren’t feeling creative.
  2. Toss your dry stuff in there. No, No I don’t “measure”. Know why? Because I got cooking chops like you got worry.

I have generally found that when adding spice to anything, if you lightly cover the thing that you are adding spice to, mix it up, and then taste, you’re golden because only you know what you like to taste.

VINEGAR = TANG

VINEGAR = TANG

  1. When you add your dry awesomeness, give it a minute to work it’s magic on whatever it is that you have got going on in the pan. There’s no real time limit, just do something else and then come back to it.
  2. For this recipe, I broke out the Balsamic Vinegar. Why? Why the hell not! That’s why. With this shit, you have to be careful: less is definitely more. Just a splash or two and then move on.
  3. Get everything all mixed up and cooking. You’re kitchen should be smelling pretty tits by now.
  4. Go get the other veg and throw that shit in there. Stir it up real good and then move on to the next part: SANDWICH ASSEMBLY.
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This is what everything looks like all mixed up.

A quick word about sun dried tomatoes: if you don’t like the chewiness, give ’em a little soak to soften them up. In this case, I wanted to extra wetness of the butter and vinegar to do just that. Never eat a chewy sandwich.

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  1. Generally speaking, the assembly of the sandwich components is what makes the sandwich. For the sake of this “recipe” I wanted a good base to put the pan ingredients on. So: bread, cheese meat.

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Now, the pan goods. TASTINESS ABOUNDS!

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  1. Put on another slice of cheese for consistency and then the other slice of bread. You are not done yet. 
  2. When you are making a tasty fucking sandwich, the bread needs to be toasted. Doubly so, if you have goodies in the middle. If you don’t toast the bread, your shit is going to end up in your lap instead of your face-hole. 

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  1. Depending on what you have at your disposal, your bread is going to need some food lubricant of some sort. You could move forward without it, but your bread is gonna be really fucking dry.
  2. For the sake of this post I broke out the $20 panini my mother-in-law got us a billion years ago, because toast lines on a sandwich is like a delicious fucking bread tattoo. 
  3. That thing in my hand that I am using to coat the bread with food lubricant was a Target purchase if I am not mistaken. Get one for your household. Hell of a lot cheaper than buying food spray.

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  1. After the bread is good and coated cook that shit. If you’re using a panini, the sandwich is done when the cheese is gooey. 

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BAM! Dinner is served. Pickles are mandatory. If there ain’t any pickles, it’s not a fucking sandwich. 

Got a sandwich story you want to share? How ’bout some suggestions? Let’s hear it in the comments at the top of this post!

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You can not be around the same bunch of a-holes 24/7.

Since I have become the parent who stays at home for the children, there has been something impressed upon me over and over again: you can not be around the same bunch of assholes 24/7.

Doubly so if it’s the holidays.

Triple-ly so if it’s your family.

In case you haven’t read anything else here, or you just can’t remember, this holiday for my family and I was different than all of the others (not because I had the kids do the X-Mas shopping) but because it was the first holiday that we were on our own (e.g We have no relations that live in Florida).

As per usual, my wife elected to be on call this past holiday (she’s a nurse FYI) because the likelihood of her having to go into to work is pretty fucking slim. It’s her way of sneaking a little bit of a break into her stress-addled career.

That being said, everything lined up to where there was no need for me to leave the house at all.

The kids were out of school for two weeks.

The girls (who have gymnastics) were off for two weeks because the people who take our money apparently get tired out from doing just that.

(The wife, in total worked all of 8 hours over those two weeks).

Nice little family togetherness time, right?

Fuck. No.

Don’t get me wrong, there were nice moments here and there (the kids opening their presents, me and the missus getting out of the house on a couple of dates…) but they were completely dwarfed by the fact that we were all getting at each other’s throats.

A couple of asides: we don’t live in a “social desert” (e.g there’s no one for our kids to hang out with). There’s plenty of kids the same age as our children. Kids palling around with other like-minded kids gets old after a while if it’s the only thing at your disposal.

What our current area can be described as is a “cultural desert” (e.g. their are no museums, no “Little Italy’s”, etc.). Where we live there’s nothing but Urban Sprawl. If you want cultural, you have to drive at least 30 minutes in any direction or else plan extensively.

Additionally, when you are in an “on-call” situation (regardless of the field you are employed in), you’re basically chained to wherever you live because you have to be at work within a certain time frame.

Suffice it to say, these past holidays were rough.

Two days before everyone went back to their usual routine of work and school, I hearkened back to my days of home-schooling (more on that later) the children: I got out of the house, on my own, as much as possible. Bike rides, visiting family, going to one of a kind book stores, you name it, I tried to fucking do it.

Over the two holiday weeks, I did little things (like working out and playing video games) in an effort to take my mind off the fact that I wanted to sneak into my children’s room at night, give them each a reverse mohawk with a set of rusty nail clippers, and then fart on their heads upon exit.

It wasn’t enough.

I suppose I didn’t get out of the house partially out of guilt: I knew that I could be doing more as far as being a part of my family and I knew that if I left my wife at home with the children, things could sour for everyone rather quickly. Additionally, my wife couldn’t go anywhere that would take her more than 20 minutes away from the house.

Should you ever find yourself in that situation, I cordially invite you to give that noise the finger.

If you need to get out of the house, get out of the fucking house. If there’s something at stake, like the sake of your bond between your significant other (or your mental health), just make sure that you communicate your need to be an individual out in the world on his or her own in a way that doesn’t make said significant other feel like shit.

It is that simple. 

 

Have a horror story you’d like to share? Wanna give me my what-fors? Let’s hear it in the comments at the top of this post!